Last week, the husband’s brother and wife (to clarify, his brother’s wife!) had a precious baby girl. She’s far away in India and while we wish we could squish her and eat her cheeks up, we have little choice but to be content with Skype chats and pictures.

Huberoo has been dispensing free advice to the newly-minted parents – fulfilling his big brother role and then some. He’s already covered loose blankets, cell phone radiation and choosing the perfect recliner. Now it’s aunty’s turn to dole it out.

New parents, here are 16 things you’ll find out soon enough:

1) You’ll never have it “all figured out”: Just when you think you have her sleep schedule, favorite foods and pooping patterns down, she’ll smile sweetly, wink and throw a curve ball/ googly (for you cricket enthusiasts) your way.

2) Murphy’s Law will always kick in. You’ve packed the diaper bag with every conceivable contraption. She’s been fed, burped and changed, and you’re finally ready to head out the door. She will make doo-doo or pee-pee.

3) You’ll never love as intensely, worry as incessantly or pray as intently.

4) She’ll be the most distracting co-passenger in the car. EVER. There’ll be crying, spitting, choking, pooping, puking, singing and screaming during car rides.

5) When she coughs or sneezes, you’ll wince. You’ll wish you could take her immunizations for her. You’ll wish she never has to feel pain. Or cough or sneeze.

6) You will not be able to pee in privacy for the next three years.

7) You’ll find yourself making the most ridiculous sounds just so you can elicit the faintest smile from Her Highness.

8) Waiting for a burp is like waiting for the electrician or plumber to show up in India. They’ll come. In their own time.

9) Kids come with in-built alarm clocks which go off earlier than usual on Saturday mornings.

10) Drink in that post-bath baby smell. Bottle it if you can!

11) Speaking of baths, your shower will become a luxury. At some point, you will smell like spit-up. And you won’t care.

12) Planning to work from home for the day? Sure. Also, the tooth fairy will leave you a million bucks under your pillow tonight.

13) You’ll marvel at how perfectly God made her. Especially those fingers. Kiss her feet now – at some point they turn as stinky as yours.

14) Uninterrupted phone conversations that last more than two minutes? They invented texting for parents.

15) Invest in a lifetime supply of bandaids for real and imaginary ‘owies’.

16) India is a populous country for a reason. There are a lot of kids and a lot of parents. Anyone who has ever been a parent  (like moi) will have some advice for you. Smile through it and choose what works for you.