Dear Mr Woodpecker,

I’m known to be a soft-spoken, friendly person. Ask anyone – except my kids and my immediate family – and they’ll tell you that I’m patient, even mellow. But you are revealing a rather sinister and scarily violent side of my personality. I kinda want to punch your beak.

Don’t start calling your lawyer friends just yet. I  have no inclination of climbing to the roof to meet you. I’m simply resorting to words as my weapon of choice.

I’m typing this post as the speed of lighting and punching at my laptop keys like they’re miniature boxing bags. I’m throwing caution to the wind with grammar and syntax. You, dear Woody, are doing this to me.

It’s been 10 days. Did you hear that? Ten. Days. Your constant rat-a-tating on the siding of my house is now playing inside my BRAIN. That is not a good problem to have. (Yeah, I know, nothing’s a ‘good’ problem. Don’t get cheeky with me now. Your fate lies in my hands). It’s not like all the hammering is going to lead to a remodeled kitchen. There is NOTHING in this deal for me. You see that, don’t you?

I have hit the wall with you. Like literally. We spend our mornings, our precious mornings, loudly hitting the wall of our bathroom. My hubbers is a drummer. He plays the drums at church. He’s good at playing the drums. He should NOT be wasting his talent banging walls to chase away woodpeckers.

We get late for school drop-offs because we’re hitting the walls. What should I say on Sonny Boy’s late slip? Reason for tardiness: Woodpecker? This is our first year at a new school – they let me volunteer there and I don’t need them to think I’m nuts.

I know you’re probably trying to attract a Mrs. with all your noise. But have you considered that she may be looking for the strong, SILENT type? Like I said, it’s been 10 days. You might want to change your pick-up line.

The sad thing is I used to like you. Maybe not you, but Woody Woodpecker with the cackly laugh from the cartoons back in the day. You have no idea what I’m talking about do you? Try ancestory.com – that may help trace your history. While you’re at it get a map of Oregon and locate a TREE. There are only like one BILLION of them

Please take your woodpeckering elsewhere.

Pleadingly,

A Stay at Home Mom Who Mostly Stays Home and Therefore Has To Listen To You ALL DAY LONG