A Letter To My Daughter Inspired By Toni Morrison 

Hey sweet girl,

We’ve been at home together a long while now. Inseparable almost – and not always by choice. Lessons have been canceled, birthday parties are on Zoom, church is on Facebook, and school online.

In our packed-like-sardines situation, I ask myself the question that the brilliant Toni Morrison posed back in the nineties: When a kid walks in the room….does your face light up?

It’s been exactly a year since Ms. Morrison, one of my favorite authors, passed on, and the question bounces back and forth in my mind.

When you come down for breakfast, with sleepy eyes and mismatched PJs, does my face light up?

Because I know that I’m often preoccupied. Is there enough milk for breakfast? I should add bread to the grocery list.

It wouldn’t be unfair to say that I tend to be distracted: Wonder how my Instagram post did. I should respond to that text.

And sometimes I’m just plain nit-picky. Hey missy, your shorts are getting raggedy. When was the last time you washed your hair?

But as Toni Morrison explains, even though my words spring from concern, that critical glance never serves to build you up. She recalls her own parenting: “When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you’re caring for them. It’s not. When they see you, they see the critical face. What’s wrong now?”

My sweet girl, that’s not how I want you to feel. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. There never will be.

I just forget sometimes. I forget to pause and see you for the beautiful girl that you are. I forget to light up because I’m scrolling through my IG feed or my to-do list. I forget to smile and affirm you. Sometimes, I feel like it’s part of my job description to tell you to stand up straighter or to ask if you’ve done your homework.

I’ve assumed that my love is expressed when I “constructively” appraise you like you’re some kind of project report that I have to present to the world. That’s what is wrong.

Today I want to do what Ms. Morrison says: Let my face speak what’s in my heart.

So, my sweet girl, I’m sorry for the nit-picking. That’s really more about me than you.

Today, I will embrace the beauty you bring to my life. The spontaneity. The fun. The sweet joy. I want my face and my heart to light up because your mama loves you for who you are. When you look at me, I hope you’ll never see critical or distracted eyes.

When you look at me, I hope you’ll always see ridiculous pride and unabashed joy.

Love you,

Your Mama who still has a lot of learning to do

 

 

Photo by James Wheeler on Unsplash