Six months ago, our seemingly perfect life was fragmented by the sudden passing of my husband’s dad. As waves of grief engulfed us, we also got slammed with health concerns and job transitions, and the pressures that come with unforeseen changes. It felt like a punch in the gut, followed by less-intense-but-painful jabs that knocked the wind out of us.

But in the last six months, while life has been both shaken and stirred, here’s something that has also held true: Our extended family, friends from church, BFFs from high school and college, colleagues, and neighbors enveloped us in a circle of love. Almost daily, we would get a message from someone saying: “How can I pray for you today?” or “Please let us know how we can help.” My mom would stock our fridge with homemade food. My best friend would call regularly from Australia even though her plate was already overflowing. Our friends would invite us over to their homes and reassure us that we were in their daily prayers.

For the last six months, our family has been drenched in an outpouring of love and support from our community.

And while it’s uncomfortable sometimes to be at the receiving end of others’ help, here’s what I’ve learned: When you’re walking through hard stuff, you need people.

So often, we find ourselves cocooned in our own lives and problems. We have little mental and emotional space for others. When we do think of the friend navigating the end of a marriage or managing a chronic health problem or coming to terms with an empty nest or dealing with sleep deprivation because of babies, we tend to pull back because we’ve bought into the overarching idea that they “need their space.”

But have we placed too much weight on giving someone their space as if it was the best possible solution to their problems?

Sure, maybe people do need time to think and process and be alone and pray in solitude. But eventually, people need people. That’s why God put us in community.

So, today, I would encourage you to do what our friends and family did for us when we were emotionally exhausted. They showed up. They brought food. They prayed for us.  They drove us to hospitals and cemeteries. They asked us about doctors’ reports. They let us vent. They let us cry. They cried with us. They made space in their lives for us instead of just giving us space.

I know it can be awkward to reach out. It can feel like we may be stepping on someone’s toes when they would prefer privacy over companionship. But, friend, may awkwardness not become an excuse for being absent. Reach out even if means risking rejection. Because more often than not, hurting people need you. Your presence is more valuable than social correctness.

Recently, a counselor whom we know, mentioned that people are increasingly outsourcing their role as listeners to therapists. They are quick to suggest to a hurting friend that they “should see someone who can help”— when in fact they themselves might be that someone. Of course, I’m not suggesting that folks don’t need formal counseling from a therapist. They do. But, perhaps, they also need a friend who sits with them in their pain or confusion. Someone who shows up instead of just giving them space.

Let me confess that I’m far from being good at this. I forget to call, get too wrapped up in my own little life, and feel super awkward when I try… but we can remind ourselves that we are works in progress and we can learn from our God who modeled empathy and compassion when he lived on earth.

Remember how Jesus went out of his way to meet with the Samaritan woman at the well? Was it an awkward encounter? I would think so — Samaritans and Jews didn’t associate with each other. Were her walls up?  For sure — She went to draw water at midday when she knew no one else would be around. Clearly, she had put up a “Do not disturb” sign by just her defensive demeanor. And, yet, in his grace, Jesus engaged with her. He displayed compassion when others showed contempt or at the very least apathy.

You know those wristbands from decades ago – WWJD – What would Jesus do? I think that’s a good question to ask when someone in our circle is hurting. Because I doubt that Jesus’ first line of action would have been to give them space.

If we asked ourselves that question, I believe we would be prompted to step out with bold compassion. Maybe we wouldn’t be so restrained by our not wanting to “bother them” that we don’t connect with others at all. Sometimes our polite silence can be more hurtful than the painful stuff they are walking through.

I can say that the last few months have been hard for us as a family. But I can also say they’ve not been as hard as they could have because we’ve not walked alone.

I hope that I don’t hoard that compassion but that I pass it on even if it means I step on some toes while helping a friend stand back on their feet.

Over the next season of our lives, may you and I be intentional about making space for others rather than just giving them space.

 

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