We’re in the thick of it. The thick of what, you ask? Raising teens, that’s what. The husband and I are the proud parents of a 16-year-old boy and an almost 15-year-old girl. So, as I said, we’re in the middle of those supposedly rebellious, angsty, door-slamming, defiant, hell-raising teen years.

But here’s what we’ve been discovering: the teen years don’t have to stick to the well-worn script. Your kids don’t need to play by the rebellious teen handbook. And you don’t have to be the overbearing, stressed out, unempathetic, “because I said so” parent. Neither do we need to be permissive, you-do-you, uber-cool besties with our teens.

I don’t dare presume to have the answers. I don’t. There are countless instances when I’ve lost the plot while a teen drama ensues. But, in the process of trying to raise ‘em right, God also sandpapers some of our rough edges. As we raise our kids, He raises us as parents of teens! Here’s a little glimpse into what He has been teaching me.

1.  Live what you believe: Teens have the uncanny knack of sniffing out hypocrisy. That’s a principle that aligns with Scripture. Jesus had plenty to say about hypocrisy. He spoke to folks about removing the plank from our own eyes before they point out the speck in others’ eyes (Matthew 7). If we’re going to tell our kids to get off their devices, then we’d better bid adieu to our iPhones, too. If we’re going to tell them to clean out their closets, then, yup, we’d better roll up our sleeves, too. If you and I walk the talk, then we’ve made headway in winning their trust.
2.  Stop pointing to your “perfection”: Now, just because you and I may have got our act together doesn’t mean we get to give the “Look how perfectly I live my life” spiel. Teens are far more receptive to learning from how you messed up than how you made it. There is no place for prideful parenting. Scripture warns us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought (Romans 12: 3). When it comes to parenting, may we share from our lives with vulnerability always trying to glorify God through our authenticity. If we score high on being real and relatable, then we’ve got them to listen just a little bit more.
3.  Notice the good stuff: It’s so easy to find fault with people. Especially when those people live under your roof, are lost in a world of text messaging, don’t believe in turning off lights, leave dirty clothes on the floor, consume copious amounts of junk food, consider it an outrage to wake up before noon… and the list goes on. Let me tell you, I kill at the nit-picking game. But here’s what I’m discovering, when I notice the good things my kids do, when I take the time to verbalize how proud I am of them, then there’s a snowball effect—more good things happen. Scripture points to how God simply lavishes us with His love. He calls us His own, His beloved, His treasured possession, His masterpiece. We don’t have to shy away from speaking affirmations over our kids—our Heavenly Father does that for us. Build them up with meaningful encouragement and there’s bound to be a positive ripple effect.
4. Let down your hair: If there’s ever someone who needs this parenting lesson, it’s me. Actually, strike that. It’s my super organized, ducks-in-a-row, OCD-level-neat husband. The guy is the provider, fixer of broken things, helper with homework, and much more. But in the midst of the busy, both he and I forget to have fun with our teens. Parents, once in a way, let our MO be to simply have fun with our teens. We’ll find they are wildly hilarious and ridiculously creative. May they see the fruit of the Holy Spirit—including joy—in our lives (Galatians 5). If they laugh more with us, they might actually want to hang out with us.
5. Hang out in the periphery: Our teens want to assert their independence. The last thing they want is hovering helicopter parents—until that becomes the first thing they want. So, fellow teen parents, let’s learn to stand inconspicuously on the sidelines. Because when they need us, they’ll know exactly where to find us—in their corner.

Maybe all of this sounds like a tall order. It probably is. But when we realize that this parenting thing is too hard to pull off on our own, we depend on the One who will see us through. He gives grace for each moment so we don’t just survive the teen years but, as families, we thrive through every phase.

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