The Power of the Gospel in Marriage
Susan Narjala
About two decades ago, as I waited on God for a husband and the gift of marriage, I wrote a rather awkward prayer in my journal: “Father God, would you be my ‘cake’ so that my future spouse is just the ‘icing’ on the cake?” That, of course, would not be the most Biblically accurate prayer that one can say. But, by the grace of God, I had rather expressed a truth: Only God can satisfy us. Only he can be the metaphorical “cake.” No spouse—as close to perfect as they may be—can take the place of God. Sure, you can be blessed with a godly, kind, loving spouse but, at best, they can only be the “icing.”
When you attempt to turn your husband or your wife into a demi-god, expecting him or her to fulfill you and be your source of happiness and security, the likelihood of disappointment and disillusionment is high.
And, yet, in my nineteen years of marriage, I’ve often forgotten this prayer as I’ve piled expectations on my husband. As wonderful as my husband is, he hasn’t been able to deliver on most of those sky-high demands. But as I look back on our years together, I’m glad that my husband has fallen short of my expectations. Without a doubt, I have fallen short of his. We were never created to deliver on those expectations—we were created to receive our identity, significance, and satisfaction from Christ alone.
Marriage is many things—but the unanimous universal conclusion is that it is not easy. A marriage between two Christians is no exception. It is the union of two flawed people. But our redemptive hope is in a faithful God who holds those two flawed people together.
India has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world. But that doesn’t mean that marriages are thriving. There are likely a host of factors from economics to social stigma that contribute to husbands and wives staying together rather than seeking a divorce or separation.
But Christian marriage is meant to be more than legal cohabitation. God creates marriage to reflect how Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. How can we nourish our marriages so that they display God’s covenantal love for us? Here are some principles that can help our marriages thrive and not just survive.
Marriage is about “we,” not “me”
In our culture today, relationships are often transactional. The silent question in our minds is, “How can this person help me? What can he or she do for me?” We bring that same mindset into marriage. We have bought into the belief that marriage is about personal fulfilment. I have heard my friends advise others with these words: “If you’re not happy, you should leave.” But a Christian marriage is created to embody a selfless love, just as Christ poured himself out as a sacrifice (Isaiah 53: 12). In a biblical marriage, we are called to prioritize “we” over “me.”
Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint
The apostle Paul begins the familiar 1 Corinthians 13 “love” passage with the words, “Love is patient…” I don’t know if he starts his description with patience in order to emphasize it, but patience in marriage is vital for a healthy relationship. While it is patience in the everyday things that can get on your nerves, it is also a resilient patience to wait out seasons when your marriage is exceptionally hard. Christian marriage is for the long haul. Jesus demonstrates that long-suffering love for us. Scripture says: The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance. (1 Peter 3: 8-9). Our consumerist, fast food, use-and-throw culture advocates that if something is broken, discard it and move on. But the gospel preaches a message of patient love which waits for sinners to accept Christ’s invitation of Lordship. May our marriages reflect this patient love as we grow in the fruit of the Spirit.
Marriage is counter-cultural, not conformist
The go-to passage that defines the roles of husbands and wives is Ephesians 5: 21-24: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
To our modern sensibilities, this passage can be difficult to digest. It has often been twisted to justify abuse and promote patriarchy. Without a doubt, God created both men and women in his image and he created them equal. It’s often our interpretation of headship and submission that raises issues. In a gospel-shaped marriage, a husband’s headship requires that he love his wife enough to lay his life down for her as Christ did for the church. Wives are called to respond to that radical Christ-like love with submission. Ultimately, both the husband and wife are required to first submit to God. These incredibly high standards are impossible apart from the Spirit’s enabling. Once again, it points to our need to depend on God who can redeem our self-interest and our pride so our marriages can be nourished.
Marriage is a covenant, not just a contract
While the paperwork that validates marriage is important, marriage is far more than a contract. The “terms and conditions” of contracts change over time. But marriage is God’s idea—and the One who designed it defines it as a sacred covenant. When God saw that Adam was alone in the garden, he created a helper suitable for him. Genesis 2:24 says: That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Just as God created an everlasting covenant with his people, marriage is a solemn and binding covenant between a man and a woman made before God (Ephesians 5: 32).
Over the years, the concept of marriage has been devalued by culture. That casual view of marriage has slipped into Christian thinking as well. May we ask God to redeem our view of marriage so we see it as not just a contract but a covenant that reflects Christ’s eternal love for the church.
