How to Prepare For Your Next Difficult Conversation

 

Susan Narjala

 

 

While scrolling through Instagram, I stumbled onto an account where the influencer, a lawyer by profession, teaches his followers “to argue less so you can talk more.” With more than 1.5 million followers, the account has clearly resonated with social media users. There seems to be a desire to learn how to be more assertive, present one’s case more effectively, to discern how to have more effective arguments, to respond and not merely react when thrust into a tense situation and so on.

 

Of the 1.5 million followers, I found that only two of my friends in India followed this account. While that is far-from-scientific evidence, I wouldn’t be incorrect in saying that there seems to be a resistance among Indians when it comes to conflict resolution. While psychologists deem that ‘fight or flight’ are automatic responses to conflict or danger, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to generalise that Indians often choose the latter.

 

We tend to avoid conflict or we choose to approach tense situations with passive aggression. Instead of unpacking the issues at hand, we often turn them into jokes that spring from unexpressed hurt, or gossip that stems from unresolved tension or church politics that rises from situations that have been swept under the rug.

 

Why do we, Indian Christians in particular, seem so disdainful, or perhaps reticent, about expressing ourselves in a difficult conversation? Perhaps it is an outcome of our hierarchical societal structure where we are taught to comply with the person in charge and submit to the older family member. It could be that many of us, especially women, are conditioned to be “agreeable” as opposed to being labelled “aggressive” by those around them. Added to that, there is an unstated expectation among Christians that we are to be always peaceable and peace-loving— which we have translated to mean “compliant.”

 

While the Bible encourages us to be peacemakers, there is no mandate to be a peacekeeper by running away from conflict. In fact, peace-making may require that we jump into the ring in order to bring some issues into the light.

 

One of the foremost examples of conflict resolution in Scripture comes from Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. When her husband Nabal’s unwarranted aggression incited David to retaliate with violence, Abigail stepped in to play the role of peacemaker. She acted quickly to diffuse a tense situation, humbled herself, made reparations, and pointed David to the Lord.

 

We remember Abigail for her good judgement—not in holding back her words or sitting on the fence, but in putting herself at risk for the sake of peace. She had an astoundingly difficult, humbling conversation with David, and as a result helped prevent a deadly massacre.

 

Conflict presents us with opportunities to display God’s redemptive grace and serve as his instruments of peace. Galatians 6:1 reminds us that “if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.” Our cultural conditioning, especially in today’s “you do you” world, may cause us to shrug with indifference at another’s shortcomings. But Scripture shows us that the most loving thing we can do is to gently speak truth and risk the awkward, vulnerable conversation with the person who may be slipping away from God.

 

Of course, there is no dodging the fact that we first need to address the log in our own eyes before we can point to the speck in another’s. In Matthew 5: 23, we are encouraged to resolve conflict before we offer sacrifices to God. The Word is clear in instructing us to “go and be reconciled.”

 

So, how can we approach a difficult conversation?

 

Sift through your intentions

The Word of God and the Holy Spirit help us evaluate the ‘why’ behind the difficult conversation. Do we want to confront someone just to prove we are right? Or do we want to approach them with the intention of bringing about restoration and reconciliation? Scripture reminds us in God reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5: 18).

 

Pray yourself humble

Before dealing with a tense situation, soak in God’s presence through prayer. We don’t pray that we will ‘win’ the argument but that God will be glorified through the conversation. The Bible points out that in whatever we do, whether eating or drinking—and I would add “conflict resolution” under the category of “whatever”—we are to do it all to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). Pray for a humble, teachable, listening heart that longs to lift up the name of Jesus through the conversation.

 

Speak the truth in love

Speaking truth without love veers toward legalism and self-righteousness. Speaking only loving words without truth veers toward licentiousness and self-preservation. If we long to have unity in the church body and help foster spiritual maturity in othes, we will speak truth in love (Ephesians 4: 15). In preparing to have a difficult conversation with someone, may we grounded in both truth and love.

 

Surrender the outcome to God

While Scripture calls us to gently restore the fellow believer who has fallen into sin, we leave the results of our words and actions to God. Trusting God’s sovereignty over our relationships frees us to fulfil our calling without the futile attempt to change someone’s heart in our own strength.

 

Conflict resolution undoubtedly requires our obedience and humility, but ultimately it is to the glory of God.