Anyone who knows me will tell you I avoid conflict like I’m taking cover during an earthquake.

I find confrontations exhausting. Friction drains me faster than a Slurpee disappearing on a hot day. I would rather pretend to agree with someone than present a point of view that steps on their toes.

Yet, some time ago, I found myself strongly disagreeing with new organizational structures at a Christian organization I’m part of. They weren’t “bad” or “unbiblical.” They were simply very different from what I was comfortable with. From my vantage point, I couldn’t see how they could possibly work. As roles were being reconfigured, I feared that some people would be left behind.

Wasn’t this organization running just fine? Why did we have to try something new? Why mess with a good thing? Uuughh… 

The more I dwelt on the changes being introduced, the more agitated I grew. Imaginary conversations (where I inevitably “won” the argument) filled my thoughts. Text messages long enough to be mini-novellas bounced back and forth. Prayers that pleaded my case peppered my day.

My point of view became indisputable fact. I was convinced that I knew best.

But as a follower of Christ, I realized that the Word—and not my feelings—needed to shape my thoughts. In spending time with God, I was convicted that my heart posture needed some amending.

Was the conflict solely my fault? Nope. The tension came from two points of view, not one—and neither was “bad.” I didn’t need to back down completely. But I did need to navigate the situation so that, even amid the disagreement, God would be glorified.

Here are some practical lessons I’ve been learning:

Assume the Best

One lesson I’m still learning is not to confuse disagreement with bad motives. When we’re hurt or frustrated, it’s easy to assume people are acting out of pride, selfishness, or a desire for control. Sometimes that’s true. Often it isn’t. May we extend the same grace that Jesus shows us by choosing to believe the best in others (yes, even those who hold opposing—but not unbiblical—points of view).

Meet in Person

Would text messages be most convenient? Absolutely. Would communicating via Zoom be easier? For sure! Whatsapp is an easy communcation tool we resort to—but can turn people into caricatures and harmless opinions into hostile takeovers.

There’s something about solving disputes in person, face-to-face, over a cup of coffee: a sense of amicability fills the space. Issues feel less black-and-white and more nuanced.  God designed us to do life—including problem solving—in community.

Use real words

If you’ve been at church a while, you’re probably overly familiar with Christianese. But as we navigate conflict as Christians, let’s not resort to over-spiritual lingo. We don’t need to couch our words in impressive-sounding yet empty words. Our model is Jesus. He didn’t mince words. Neither did He waffle. He spoke the truth in love. We owe each other that level of respect. Buzzwords sound impressive, but they don’t serve the listener well.

Delay Decisions

In the heat of the moment, when words collide and tempers flare, it’s easy to lay down ultimatums. It’s less stressful to walk away. But I would encourage us to press pause. God wove the rhythm of rest into days. We don’t have to be “always on.”

I’ve discovered that when I step back, breathe deeply, and allow God the space to tend to my heart, I am more likely to listen and respond gently. In the book of Proverbs, God reminds us that “An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins” (Prov. 29:22). Asking for more time is a simple way to simmer down and diffuse tensions.

Persist in Prayer

Many of our disagreements happen with fellow believers. But God deeply desires unity within His family, and He often begins by changing our own hearts. As we pray, He shifts our perspective. He teaches us to die to ourselves. He heals wounds we didn’t realize we had been carrying. Slowly, our focus moves away from proving ourselves right and toward becoming more like Christ.

With these tools in hand, do I still want to avoid conflict like the plague? Unfortunately, yes—I’m a work in progress. But even through my failures, I’m learning to take fragile steps forward. Conflicts are an inevitable part of life—but I am learning to invite God into them. And I am asking Him to transform me even through the very things I want to avoid.

 

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